"I Live to think for myself. I refuse to be a mindless sheep following the crowd into cookie-cutter oblivion. Otherwise I'd just be a zombie with no heart or passion in life" - Hervey Taylor IV

This Pantry is Delerious

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

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Sometimes I worry about my family. Probably not in the sense you're thinking about. I mean, I do worry that, you know, I'll get a call saying that they were found in a ditch somewhere (Obviously, I hope this never actually happens). But to worry about things like that is exhausting and quite frankly stupid. I mean, if they were going to get in a freak accident, it would be horrible. I would cry. I'd probably lock myself in my room. I'd curse them for never making a will because I would probably end up homeless on the streets as the city took away our house and pretty much everything else. And I would be really really depressed and hate life for a ridiculously large amount of time (more for the loss of family than the house and homeless part... that's just an unfortunate outcome of an unforeseeable accident. One that can be avoided parental units! Get a will. Thanks.)

But in the end... it is just an accident. I can't worry about accidents happening. There really isn't a lot I can do to stop them.

However, I do worry about how my parents are going to survive without me. No seriously, I feel like I should make them lists of everything. But I still don't think that would help. Or maybe I should just hire them a personal grocery shopper. I don't know, but sometimes when I start to think about it too much I get mini heart palpitations.

The main things I am concerned with are the pantry, freezer(s), and fridge. Which are huge areas to be concerned about. These places are the only places in the house that store the food. The food we need to survive on. The food that I find out multiple times a year... gets lost in the corners never to be heard of again until I come and clean it out. I think the perfect motto for our kitchen would be:

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

Ever since I have been born... 21.5ish years... I can only remember one event involving my mother/father/sister cleaning out a food storage place. Once. Yeah, everybody chips in with cleaning the dishes and the counters and whatever else but not those three sacred areas. I don't know how I got this job or if I just simply took it over in a time of need but I have become a pretty strict food cleaner.

It is like a compulsive behavior. If I open the fridge, and it is a disaster, I have to clean it. I can't help it. I don't focus and I sure as heck can't eat so I drop everything and clean it out and straighten it up. I'm more lax on the freezers and pantry because those are more of a pain to clean out.

But today I tackled the pantry. It took me 2 solid hours to clean it out. TWO hours. As I am going through and sorting things out, I find the most ridiculous things. I am not even positive how these things got in here in the first place, because I know they weren't hiding in there the last time I cleaned, yet somehow their expiration date is 2008. How is that possible? How can we have... not 1 but 2 cans of blueberry pie filling that expired in 2008. I know that I have never had a blueberry pie and my mother has never made one. So why I ask do we have blueberry pie filling? It is truly still a mystery to me.

I feel like there must be some miniature door hidden in the back corner of the pantry where the Keebler Elves or some sort of creature that looks quite similar waits for the perfect time to attack! By adding ridiculous expired food products. Or just ridiculous food products.

For example, our stash of tea. I am not a tea drinker. I quite prefer coffee and I think tea tastes strange. But maybe once a year we make tea. My sister once went through a phase where she made a lot of tea and I think that is where we acquired the stash. But we had ten boxes of assorted tea. And in case you didn't know, tea does expire! So most of our stash of tea is sitting at the bottom of the trash can.

By the time I am done with the pantry, I am feeling much better about life. I can find things. I can tell what we have in stock and what we do not. And I can make sure my mom doesn't buy any more of what we already have.

But what do you think happened when my parents got home? Well, I pointed to the pantry and my mom went to open it and do you know what she did next!? I still am in utter shock. I can't even believe it happened. She opened the trash can and peered inside it. Then with a crumpled face, she took out an old bottle of dressing and said,  "I JUST bought this. You cannot throw this away." Well ma, seeing as how the expiration date is 2010 I'm going to go with that was a blatant lie and the only way you "just" bought this is if you created a time machine and placed it in the dressing isle at the grocery store. But seeing as how this is a highly unlikely scenario,  I'm gonna go with lie.

Next she asks... "Where's all the tea!?" This coming from the mother who has never made tea for herself in her life. I'm sorry... what were we keeping this tea for? Are gypsies coming to town and we plan buying things from them by trading in tea? Because it is enough to start some form of currency so this may actually be doable. In that case, I can most certainly fish them out of the trash. If that isn't the case then they are staying put. Or are we planning on reenacting the Boston Tea Party because I think that would be fun and for this I will also fish the tea out of the trash.

The Pantry Cleaner: Chemical Free CleaningDo you see what I have to deal with people? I am currently swaying back and forth on a very small line. On one side of the line... I'm leaving soon and therefore can pretend it goes away. The other side of the line... dear god, if I don't teach them the proper grocery buying and storing rules my parents are going to 1. Die of starvation because they can't find anything 2. Die of some disease because they have eaten rotten food.

Looks like I have work cut out for me in the next several months...

I also found the perfect gift to give as a going away gift. As in, I am going away, please read this!

On the upside and random side, I just found out you can make a funfetti cake/cupcakes with a simple box of funfetti mix and a can of soda. No eggs, oil or anything else. Thank you pinterest.com for taking multitude of hours away from productivity as well as providing me with a plethora of humorous jokes and yummy recipes. 


(Disclaimer - I should tell you that we don't actually throw out a lot of food. I do more rearranging and making everything fit nicely than throw things away. Just so you know and don't get all crazy and bring out the starving kids in Africa. Though yes, I know they still exist and it is an unfortunate set of events. I'm sure they wouldn't enjoy large amounts of expired tea which brings no nutritional value except for the water that it is carried in.

And my family isn't filled with slobs... I promise! I am just a little crazy. You may have already come to this conclusion on your own.)

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