The Witches Brew

Sorry for the hiatus folks. I actually decided to discontinue this blog. I just never let anybody know. Whoops. My life got crazy. I moved to the frozen tundra known as Michigan and my ability to focus long enough to write a blog fully diminished. But I have been asked by friends what happened to my crazy views about life. And then my mother finally brought it up and said she misses them and I should start again. 

Honestly, how can I say no to my mother? I feel like I turned her world upside down by moving far far away from New Mexico and causing a severe case of empty nest syndrome. Really it’s the least I can do! So, I will be posting at the very least every week if you’re interested. And if I go on another hiatus I will surely inform you next time.

Today’s post is informing you about the dangers of alcohol. In particular, spiced wine. Also known as Witches Brew. The most amazingly delicious concoction of spices and wine that I have ever tasted in my life.

Coming straight from Leelanau Cellars, Northern Michigan winery, this wine is fantastic in more ways than one. For starters it’s on sale all throughout the state of Michigan and just about any store for 2 for $10. That’s 1500 ml of scrumptious red wine for a measly $10. This is probably why I have invested in and consumed 8 bottles already. Second, this is a wine that needs to be heated and fills you with warmth and bubbly goodness on a cold fall night. And let’s face it, I need all the warmth I can get out here in Michigan. Thirdly, if you hate red wines… which quite frankly I think is a crime against humanity… but alas there are those of you out there that the tannins of red wines just don’t do it for you. So, if you do indeed hate red wine I am about 79.2% positive that you will like this because of the amazing balance brought to you by the plethora of spices mixed in.

Wait… I think I was supposed to talk about the dangers of alcohol. Really, the main danger of this alcohol is that you don’t taste it. So… when a completely sane and not at all alcoholic person decides that the best thing to do on a Sunday at 2:30 in the afternoon is to start drinking this warm wine somebody should definitely tell them: No, that is the worst decision I have ever heard of.

Alas, my house that is normally filled with 7 other crazy characters was empty and I was alone to do as I saw fit. And what I thought was an excellent idea was to break out the wine and start cooking. All was going swimmingly until I finished the pumpkin muffins. That’s when the alcohol kicked in and my kitchen suddenly turned in to the background for “My Drunk Kitchen,” which if you haven’t watched you should definitely youtube it. 

You see, side effects of Witches Brew include:

• Not knowing how many cans of tuna you put in your tuna salad. Which will surely cause a nervous breakdown in which you literally have to go dig through the trash to count the cans you have already used.

• Not being able to properly open a spice jar plastic safety covering doodad… which really is a bit of a hassle to begin with so we’ll say this one isn’t entirely yours and the Witches Brew’s fault. I am personally ready to give full blame to the spice company that did not fully perforate the edges of the plastic for easy removal. However, in order to get around this you will inevitably pull at the cap as hard as humanly possible until it gives way sending red curry powder all over yourself and the kitchen floor. Then you will obviously have to clean up said mess which results in a soaking wet shirt with curry sauce that never actually comes off and a slippery floor which you will probably fall on.

• Thinking a different spice jar has a shake top when indeed it has a pour top. This will result in about 3 tablespoons of your spice ending up in your soup rather than the 1 teaspoon it originally called for. In order to rectify this situation, you will just add more pumpkin hoping it will hide the spice intensity… which you will learn when you’re sober that it definitely does not.

• Deciding that you should put your very hot soup in the blender (like the recipe says to do) but accidently forgetting the lid, resulting in firey hot curried pumpkin-apple soup to splash on to your hand. In your alcoholic haze you will momentarily forget how to use water as a cleaning and cooling aid for your almost 3^rd degree burn.

• Consuming Witches Brew will most definitely lead to all of your roommates coming home… finding  you drunk cooking with a house that has intoxicatingly harsh spiced alcohol fumes wafting through it. It’s ok though because they will proceed to eat all of your pumpkin muffins and join you in consuming an additional three bottles of spiced wine until everybody has realized that all the work they were supposed to do that Sunday night most definitely did not get done.

• Last but most certainly not least, it is highly likely that your wine consumption will end with a skype call to your friends back in New Mexico who are thoroughly entertained by you and your entire life shambles. Additionally, they will declare you haven’t changed a bit.

Who am I kidding? Witches Brew is probably the most fantastic invention I have ever heard of and I highly encourage you to obtain some with whatever means necessary. And by obtain some… I really mean you should consider buying 10-20 bottles because it’s only sold seasonally. Which at this point is my biggest concern.